Miscarriages

This entire pregnancy I have been in doubt. Is there really a baby in there? Will we really be able to bring another baby home? Will Liam understand if something terribly goes wrong? I have, as you can see, been trying to put my faith and trust in God that he will not make us go through another failed pregnancy but been failing at that miserably.

With my two miscarriages I thought I was pretty far along when I found out that we had lost the babies. My first miscarriage I was about 10 weeks (?) and I had already been to the doctor, but then at the second appointment they couldn't find the heartbeat. We were told that we lost the baby around 6 weeks but my body had not figured that out apparently. I was actually quite nauseous and had read the more sick you are the healthier the baby. Unfortunately not true in my case.

Two months after the first miscarriage I was pregnant again. Obviously I was much more worried this time around. With my history, my doctor was also much more careful. We ran more tests to check my HcG levels and also my progesterone. My HcG levels were good and doubling as they should but my progesterone level was around 17. It should be 20 or higher. Progesterone is believed to help sustain a pregnancy and if you are low it could be a reason for miscarriage. I was put on progesterone supplements twice daily and was also restricted with lifting most things. The doctor also wanted ultrasounds done every two weeks starting at my 6 week appointment. We were more than happy to oblige as we wanted to make sure that things were developing as they should.

The first two ultrasounds went perfectly. We couldn't see much but we definitely saw the fluttering of that heartbeat which to me instantly made me feel better. My third ultrasound I was by myself. I had naively thought that since we had seen the heartbeat twice already that everything would be great.  I was waiting in the reception room for my name to be called and I got this terrible feeling. Just that things were not going to be ok. Now, I pushed that emotion down because I had clearly felt this way many times during this pregnancy. I was so anxious but told myself that I was overreacting and to stop worrying.

When the ultrasound technician called me back and we took a look at the screen, it didn't take long for me to see there was none of the usual heartbeat flutters that I was so accustomed to seeing. I could see that the baby was bigger since the last appointment but no heartbeat. I immediately asked the tech "where was the heartbeat?" She grabbed my knee, looked at me and said, "Honey, I'm so sorry."

I will never forget that feeling or moment. Anyone who has been in my same situation will always remember that moment when they are told that their baby is no longer. It is absolutely heartwrenching.  Through tears of mine the doctor told me that she could see thickening at the back of the neck and that either meant the baby had just died or that there was a defect which caused the miscarriage. The office repeatedly wanted to call someone for me, to comfort me, but I just wanted to get out of there. I was almost 11 weeks along.

On my short drive home I called Evan who immediately wanted to come home to be with me. I told him that my mom was home watching Liam and that he could come home at his usual lunch hour (which would only be an hour away anyway). I am so thankful that my mother had offered to watch Liam so that I could go to the appointment alone. I couldn't imagine being alone with him and being told that kind of news. He, at the time, was almost 2 years old.

Walking through the door I collapsed into my mother. I completely lost it and through sobbing gasps told my mother that we had lost another baby. I am so thankful that my mother was there to hold me and will never forget her comforting words when I was in my darkest hour. She spent the whole day with me as we had planned, decorating for Christmas. When I refused to eat anything at lunch due to my emotional state, that was when she got worried. I reassured her that I would be fine but I needed to grieve this loss and that may take a little time.

While singing Liam his lullaby songs before his naptime I began singing, Jesus loves me. A song I have known since I was his age and knew I could sing without even thinking about the words. I was however shocked at the words,
                   
                        'little ones to him belong, they are weak but He is strong.'

I never blamed God for taking these two babies from me. However, I do not understand, nor will I ever understand the ways He does things. I dove into the scripture and gravitated towards this verse which has helped me immensely:

Isaiah 43 Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;

I have called you by name, you are mine.

 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

and the flame shall not consume you.

 For I am the Lord your God

I am not the best Christian out there nor am I the wisest. I only know what I believe and that is that God is my Father and he loves me more than anything. I am only writing about all of this because it has been eating me alive for the past year. And if one person reads this and can identify with what we have been through or maybe they are going through their darkest hour as we did than it is worth writing and talking about. 

The reason we lost that second baby was due to a defect called partial molar pregnancy. It is a genetic defect that results from too many chromosomes. Instead of the normal 46 chromosomes, our baby had a whole other set resulting in 69 chromosomes. The baby would not have made it through the entire pregnancy regardless of our hopes and wishes. The other fun fact about molar pregnancies is that a "mole" or tumor starts to grow on the placenta. This was removed when I had to have the D & C but I had to be monitored afterwards to make sure that the tumor was not growing back. If it would have, which can happen, I would have started chemotherapy immediately. Talk about scary stuff. Thankfully an easy blood test to measure HcG helps them to determine if the tumor is growing. (this type of tumor emits hcg) This also meant I couldn't get pregnant until I was given the green light by my doctor. A very long 8 months it was. 

We have been through a lot. Not as much as some couples or women have to go through with infertility issues but it was enough for us. I hope that we never have to go through this again. 

Which brings me to my last point: Infertility sucks. It is hard, it is heartwrenching, it is an emotional rollercoaster. So the next time you see that couple at church, or out and about, do me a favor. Don't ask them when they're going to start having kids or when they're going to have more. Because they might have just found out they just lost another baby, or that the IVF they saved for for months didn't work....again. Be sensitive to what you may not have understanding of.